Regardless of how skilled in the art of vertical urination the dude at the urinal next to me at the Excel Center was, I don’t appreciate him multitasking by simultaneously using his phone. What is the 21st century etiquette for expressing my displeasure? Do I have the right to be displeased? Imagine my conundrum as I wanted to extend him his personal space while also wanting to make sure he wasn’t capturing this moment between us for posterity. The world is a complicated place. My aggressive side wanted to tear the phone out of his hand, spike it into the tile floor, and then pee on the destroyed device with whatever volume I had left. But, my contemplative side won out because I had come to see the Wild game with my daughter and leaving in handcuffs wasn’t part of the plan for the evening. I returned to the game, drank a Big Ginger, and enjoyed my freedom to watch the Wild get killed by the Sharks with my beautiful daughter. God bless America and God help us as we navigate this ethical minefield called life.
While using the urinal at work, a stall occupant produced a sound that was virtually identical to the sound of a blue whale that has lost contact with her child. The duration and tone quality were spot on. It even had that mournful and sad quality that evokes such raw emotion in the listener. Honestly, I teared up a little. It was quite impressive. Was it inappropriate for me to applaud?
November 9th, 2018
Employer’s bathroom whale sound update: The bathroom has been much quieter lately, which I believe can be blamed on global business climate change, and there have been very few whale homage expulsions from the stalls. This makes me sad, but it also makes bathroom respiration much more tolerable. On a side note, the universe seems to be punishing one of the executives here who often happens to be just beginning his attempt to urinate as I approach the other urinal. Sadly, this man, while highly successful in his business life, suffers from what is known as “stage fright” in urinal metaphor and he simply cannot pee while I’m standing next to him. Why does the universe put us on the same urination schedule? Or, is it random chance? I don’t claim to know. What I do know is that this well dressed executive probably hasn’t peed at work for roughly two years and somehow I’ve become a pawn in this drama. Is it right for me to feel guilt and shame? Should I encourage him next time with a loudly proclaimed inspirational phrase like “You’ve got this, man!”? Any suggestions would be appreciated and I hope your purpose in the universe’s grand plan is somehow less confusing and awkward than mine.
December 3rd, 2018
The universe, I realized today, is using me as only a small part of the torment of the poor “stage fright” prone executive at work. As I entered the bathroom today I saw him immediately as he struggled to expel the smallest amount of urine imaginable while surrounded by no less than five other men in this seldom used washroom all jockeying for position around sinks and urinals. I needed a urinal as well and guess which one was open. Yes. I was the exec’s urination neighbor yet again. He made a brief show of finishing his unfinished business and hastily exited stage left. What has this man done to merit such torment? Was he responsible for some urine related atrocity in his youth? We may never know why he has been thusly afflicted, but we should let this be a lesson for us all. As Jesus said, “You reap what you sow.” What goes around does, indeed, come around. And, as my friend Annie says, “Karma is a bitch.”
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